Why Those ‘Little Jokes’ Hurt More Than You Think
I get it. You’re stressed, rushing around trying to get everyone out the door. Maybe it’s school bags flying, toast burning, someone forgot their shoes (again), and you’re running late. In the middle of the chaos, your partner mishears you — again — and brings the wrong thing to the car.
And before you even think about it, out it comes:
“Of course you did — why would you actually listen for once?”
You’re rolling your eyes. Maybe you throw in a sarcastic laugh.
They look embarrassed, or worse, they brush it off with a defensive shrug.
Sound familiar?
Or maybe it goes the other way. You fumble something — forget the snacks, spill coffee on your top — and instead of support, you get a sigh and a muttered, “You’re so useless sometimes.”
No raised voice. Just cold contempt. That sting, that subtle punch to the gut.
These moments might seem minor — even normal — in a long-term relationship. You’re tired, they’re annoying, you lash out. But what happens next?
The Words Fade — But the Feeling Stays
By the time you’ve all made it into the car and arrived at your destination, the storm has passed. You’ve moved on. Maybe you’ve even forgotten you said it. But the words are still ringing in their ears. That mocking tone. That feeling of being the butt of your frustration. That moment where they stopped feeling safe with you.
How many times does this happen in a week? A month?
When mockery and contempt become part of the fabric of daily life — especially under the excuse of stress, parenting, or “just joking” — they quietly erode the relationship from the inside out. You don’t need to scream to be cruel. In fact, contempt is often at its most dangerous when it’s quiet, consistent, and wrapped in humour.
What Contempt Actually Does
Contempt isn’t just unkind. Research shows it’s one of the most toxic behaviours in long-term relationships. It sends one very clear message:
“I’m better than you.”
Whether it’s a sarcastic jab or a look of disgust, contempt positions one partner above the other — not as equals, but as judge and failure. Over time, the person on the receiving end either starts to withdraw or retaliate. Either way, intimacy suffers. Resentment grows. Trust breaks.
And here’s the worst part — most of us don’t realise we’re doing it until the damage is done.
Ask Yourself:
Do you regularly roll your eyes or scoff when your partner speaks?
Do your “jokes” feel like power plays?
Does your partner seem quieter, less confident, or more defensive around you lately?
It’s easy to justify these moments with “they deserved it,” or “I didn’t mean it like that.” But impact matters more than intention. Especially when it happens over and over again.
What Can You Do Instead?
Pause Before You Speak. Especially in moments of stress. Ask yourself: Is this helpful, or am I just venting?
Own Your Frustration Honestly. Instead of mockery, say: “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now and that really frustrated me.”
Repair the Moment. If you did mock or belittle them, circle back. “Hey, I snapped earlier — I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair.”
Rebuild Trust Through Kindness. Little acts of respect go a long way in undoing the build-up of contempt. A kind tone. A thank you. A moment of praise.
Final Thought
Mockery and contempt may feel like small, passing moments — but they stick. They can either be something your partner laughs off, or something they carry with them long after you’ve moved on.
Contempt doesn’t just destroy connection. It destroys safety. And without safety, love has nowhere to land.