It’s Valentines again

It’s that time of year when we’re coerced into celebrating romantic love by purchasing flowers, chocolates, teddies and jewellery! It’s the time of year when we’re meant to go out on a date night and pretend we’re not mad at our partner for forgetting to unload the dishwasher that morning, or forgetting to put the bins out last Tuesday!

My idea of a perfect romantic night would exclusively include James Spader, a remote-control egg secured inside my vagina, and a beautiful candlelit dinner on a balcony overlooking somewhere scenic. Of course, James would have downloaded the app that controls the vibrations of the egg onto his phone and, to an onlooker, it would look like he was merely checking his messages not turning up the speed!

Eggs are great for adding a little extra enhancement to a date night and of course, have a longer shelf life than tulips or chocolate. Of course, James Spader is not whisking me away to Paris or even Eric’s fish and chip shop, where they serve gluten-free battered mars bars on the 14th. So, I will have to make do with a night at home, then, with the kids in bed, watching Inside Number 9 with my partner on iPlayer. 

My autistic son is making our sex life very difficult at the moment. He is going through a bad sleeping phase and wants to come down every twenty minutes for some kind of food or beverage-based reassurance. Of course, we are not ones to be easily defeated, so may I introduce our secret weapon: Lelo Hula beads! If you haven’t used a Lelo product before, please let Valentine’s Day be your day! The silicone is smooth and glides inside you like a foot in a well-loved running trainer.

It is also peaceful and discreet. You can slip the control into a pocket or behind a couch cushion and when you hear the footsteps of a sleep-deprived child coming down the stairs, you can turn it down or off! Then, once they are settled, you can turn it on again! Parenting is a 24/7 job but as Mary Poppins says; “with every job that must be done there is an element of fun!”