I recently started watching Virgin River, drawn in by its easy-watching appeal and comparisons to the wholesome nature of Gilmore Girls. But as I watched, I couldn’t help but wonder: do we really understand what a healthy relationship looks like?
Television plays a significant role in shaping our ideas about love, often presenting relationships as a cycle of passion, conflict, and reconciliation. While these narratives make for great entertainment, they can also reinforce patterns that many people find themselves trapped in—sometimes without fully understanding why.
Why Do We Find Ourselves in Certain Relationships?
Rather than simply labelling certain relationships as “unhealthy,” it’s important to explore why people are drawn to them in the first place. Our attachment styles, shaped by early experiences and past relationships, play a major role in how we connect with others. If we grew up witnessing relationships filled with emotional distance, inconsistency, or even chaos, those patterns can feel familiar—and familiarity often feels like love, even when it’s not serving us well.
For example, someone with an anxious attachment style may find themselves repeatedly drawn to partners who are emotionally unavailable, mistaking emotional highs and lows for deep connection. On the other hand, those with avoidant tendencies might pull away when relationships start to feel too close, fearing the vulnerability that comes with true intimacy.
Understanding these patterns isn’t about blame—it’s about self-awareness. When we recognise why we gravitate toward certain dynamics, we can begin to make more conscious choices about what we want in our relationships.
How TV Reinforces Our Patterns
Let’s take Gilmore Girls as an example. Lorelai and Rory both experience relationships filled with uncertainty and emotional ups and downs. Similarly, in Virgin River, the moment the main character walks into a bar, the owner is instantly drawn to her—only for us to later find out he has a girlfriend. Instead of having an honest conversation, he remains emotionally distant while still keeping her close.
These storylines reflect real-life attachment struggles—fear of commitment, difficulty setting boundaries, or mistaking intensity for love. The problem is, when we see these patterns romanticised, we may unconsciously seek them out in our own lives, believing that love should be complicated.
What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like?
Healing from past patterns and building healthy relationships starts with awareness and intention. A strong relationship isn’t just about chemistry—it’s about emotional security, respect, and mutual growth. Here’s what that looks like:
1. Self-Reflection and Understanding
Before we can build healthy relationships, we need to understand our own patterns. What did love look like in our past? How did early experiences shape the way we connect with others? Therapy, journaling, and honest conversations can all help with this process.
2. Clear and Honest Communication
In many TV dramas, characters avoid difficult conversations, leading to unnecessary misunderstandings. In reality, open and honest communication is the foundation of a secure relationship. We should feel safe expressing our needs and emotions without fear of rejection or manipulation.
3. Emotional Stability Over Intensity
Love doesn’t have to be a rollercoaster. While passion is important, long-term relationships thrive on emotional safety and consistency. Stability doesn’t mean boring—it means knowing your partner is there for you in both good and challenging times.
4. Respect for Boundaries
A healthy relationship allows both partners to maintain their individuality. That means respecting personal space, emotional needs, and the healing process of past experiences. True connection isn’t about control—it’s about mutual respect.
5. Growth and Support
The best relationships encourage personal growth. Unlike TV couples who often demand sacrifice for love, a healthy partnership means supporting each other’s goals, dreams, and emotional well-being.
Moving Forward: Healing and Creating Healthier Relationships
If we find ourselves in relationships that mirror the unhealthy patterns we see on TV, it’s important to remember that change is possible. Healing starts with self-awareness, and with the right support—whether through therapy, self-reflection, or personal growth—we can break free from cycles that no longer serve us.
Rather than seeing relationships as dramatic, all-consuming, or defined by external validation, we can redefine love as something secure, fulfilling, and deeply supportive. Real love isn’t about grand gestures or constant turmoil—it’s about feeling truly seen, valued, and safe.
So the next time we watch a TV romance unfold, we can enjoy the drama for what it is—entertainment—while knowing that in real life, love is about so much more.