We don’t talk about it.
We don’t do it.
We pretend it’s fine — until it’s not.
When sex disappears from a relationship, it often takes the conversation with it.
Why?
Because the word that quietly sits at the centre of it all is rejection.
We’d be braver if rejection didn’t exist.
But when it does — or even when we fear it — we stay silent.
And in that silence, the stories in our heads start to grow.
And those stories? They’re rarely kind.
The Story in Your Head (And Theirs)
Maybe you’ve told yourself…
“They’re not attracted to me anymore.”
“I’ve let myself go.”
“They must be getting it elsewhere.”
“I’m too much. Or not enough.”
And yet — what if your partner is telling themselves the exact same thing?
What if they’re avoiding the subject because they feel like a failure?
What if they’re ashamed of their low desire, or worried about performance, or simply not sure how to get close again?
What if neither of you are rejecting the other — you’re both just scared?
Why It’s So Hard to Talk About
Talking about sex when you’re not having it feels vulnerable, awkward, and heavy.
It’s tied up with identity, shame, desire, grief, fear, and often — deep love.
You might avoid it because:
You’re afraid the answer will confirm your worst fear.
You don’t want to pressure your partner or make them feel bad.
You think naming it will make things even more awkward.
You’ve already internalised blame and don’t want to make things worse.
But silence doesn’t protect you from pain. It just puts you both in it — quietly, separately.
How to Start the Conversation
You don’t need a big dramatic opening. You just need honesty, kindness, and a reminder that you’re in this together.
Try something like:
“I’ve noticed we haven’t been close in a while, and I miss you. Can we talk about it?”
“This feels hard to bring up, but I don’t want us to keep tiptoeing around it.”
“I’ve been making up stories in my head about why we’re not having sex, and I’d rather know the truth than stay stuck in silence.”
Make it safe. Make it collaborative. Remind them that you’re on the same team.
It’s Not Always About the Sex
A dry spell can be about so many things:
Hormonal shifts or health changes
Mental load, stress, or emotional burnout
Resentment or unresolved conflict
Medication side effects
Body image and self-esteem
Trauma, grief, or big life transitions
Sometimes, the lack of sex is the symptom, not the problem.
And when you finally talk about it, you might discover the reasons are practical, emotional, or even mutual — not personal.
You’re Not Broken. You’re Human.
All couples go through seasons of change — in bodies, in desire, in connection.
Not having sex doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means something needs tending to.
And starting that conversation is a sign of hope, not doom.
Change the cycle, It May help you to understand, reconnect, and begin again — with kindness, honesty, and less of that cruel voice in your head.