Candid Self-Appraisal Is Healthy — But Don’t Excuse Everything Just Because You Understand It
Let’s get one thing straight: being self-aware is powerful.
Doing the work to understand your own patterns, your past, your reactions — that’s gold.
But there’s a line we often cross without realising:
“I understand why they behave like this.”
“So I’ll just put up with it.”
No.
You can understand someone’s wounds without having to accept being wounded by them.
Empathy ≠ Endurance
When we care about someone deeply, we want to make sense of their behaviour.
“She had a tough childhood.”
“He’s been really stressed at work.”
“They don’t know how to express emotions because they were never taught how.”
We say it gently, softly, like an explanation will make it easier to swallow. And maybe it does — for a while. But over time, all that excusing starts to blur the lines between compassion and self-neglect.
Because yes — you can understand.
But you still get to say:
“This is hurting me.”
“This isn’t okay.”
“This needs to change.”
Your Job Is Not to Translate, Tolerate, and Absorb It All
You’re not the fixer.
You’re not the emotional translator.
You don’t have to carry someone else’s unprocessed pain just because you can see it.
Healthy relationships require two things:
A willingness to look inward.
A responsibility to manage the impact of your behaviour — regardless of where it comes from.
When only one person is doing that work, things get lopsided fast.
You end up explaining their reactions, absorbing their moods, rationalising their outbursts — while slowly silencing your own needs.
Candid Self-Appraisal Is a Two-Way Street
Yes, reflect on your own patterns. Yes, be honest about your triggers, your defences, the ways you show up.
But don’t weaponise that awareness against yourself.
Don’t hold yourself to higher emotional standards while letting your partner coast because “you know what they’ve been through.”
Empathy isn’t a free pass. It’s an invitation for mutual growth.
If you can sit with your discomfort and do the work, I wonder if they can to.
You Can Love Someone and Still Say “No More of This”
This is the truth:
You can love someone.
Understand them.
See their trauma clearly.
Know their history inside out.
And still draw the line.
You are allowed to say:
“I get it — and it still hurts.”
“I understand — and this isn’t sustainable.”
“I see where this comes from — and I won’t tolerate it anymore.”
Understanding doesn’t have to cost you your wellbeing.